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Legit TVMWW Interview with Charles Baker aka Skinny Pete from Breaking Bad

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I now consider this guy to be one of my best friends in this world. 

Yo yo yo yo yo yo, Charles Baker (who plays Skinny Pete on mayyybbeeeee the greatest show of all time, Breaking Bad) actually talked to me for an exclusive TVMWW interview. I know! I was as blown away as you are.

In the days leading up to us chatting, I probably sent Charles 47 different emails, most of them in an attempt to confirm that we were going to speak at 6pm Eastern time, or 3pm in Los Angeles. Then, on the day we were scheduled to talk, I realized that Charles actually lived in Texas, so I frantically searched the internet for what freaking time zone Fort Worth was in and sent him around 12 more emails. Turns out, Charles actually does now live in Los Angeles, and is perfectly capable of adding and subtracting by threes, so it all worked out.

The following is a transcription of our conversation, one where we spoke about everything from working with Chuck Norris on WALKER TEXAS RANGER to pigging out on the set of Breaking Bad to watching crappy reality television with his wife. Enjoy.

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Ring ring ...

The Evster: Hellooooo, Charles.

Charles Baker: Evannnn, how ya doin, man?

The Evster: I'm doin' great, how are you?

Charles Baker: I'm all right, man, just hanging out. 

The Evster: Thanks for doin' this, I really appreciate it. 

Charles Baker: No problem, man. 

The Evster: So what'd you think of those 47 emails I sent ya about gettin' the time straight? I don't know what I was doin' there, I don't know why I didn't have more faith in you to understand the whole adding and subtracting by threes thing. 

Charles Baker: You know you'd be surprised man, I'm pretty bad at time zones. I had an interview scheduled for the UK a while ago and they told me they'd talk to me at a certain time, like 4pm, and I didn't even catch that they meant Eastern Time Zone, so I'm sitting around at like 1 in the afternoon and they call and I'm like, "Ohhh, ohhh, yeah, I shoulda looked at that." 

The Evster: So you're saying I was right to send you all those emails? I felt like an idiot. I felt like I was turning into my mother, like sending you 4 million emails just to check this stupid time. 

Charles Baker: There's this comedian named Hugh Fink, I don't know if you've ever heard of him, he's like this real nerdy guy who plays the violin, but he's great. He does this whole bit about how his father has no clue how time zones work. 

The Evster: Yeah, my mother-in-law, who is a very smart woman, graduated from Berkeley, she's a psychiatrist, she lives in Brooklyn, she's an intellectual and one of those people who doesn't own a television, y'know? But she has no idea how to check her voice mail. And she claims that the last six cellphones she's had have all been "broken." You got a crazy mother-in-law?

Charles Baker: I got the best mother-in-law in the world, I totally lucked out. She's an academic counselor at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth. She works in the athletic department and she's one of the top advisors and a lot of her students go on to play professional sports. She talks to everybody, she's everybody's favorite and she's everybody's mom. She took me in from the day she met me and their family, my wife's family, they're mainly the reason I was able to pursue an acting career. I got the best mother-in-law in the world. 

The Evster: Maybe the whole weirdo mother-in-law thing is a myth? 

Charles Baker: Yeah, I like to think so.

The Evster: Although my wife might disagree with that.

Charles Baker: I was just about to say that. My wife mayyyyyyyyyy, may not agree.

The Evster: Oh yeah? Is your mother a nut job? What's your relationship like with her?

Charles Baker: My mom? She's in Canada, she moved there with her most recent boyfriend or husband, I don't know, we haven't gotten along since I was around ten years old. And we talk every once in a while, but we haven't talked since she moved.

The Evster: Yeah, well in the little research I did on you, I saw that you moved around a lot as a youngster, lived in Hawaii, all over Europe. Your pop was in the army or something. And yet, before this recent move to LA, you settled in FORT WORTH TEXAS? What was that all about?

Charles Baker: Yeah, weird, right? Well, that's where my mom was living at the time and I was trying to be closer to family and I have two older brothers, one passed away a couple of years ago, but all of them lived in Fort Worth, and I have an aunt and uncle and cousins who live in Fort Worth. And I've always been sorta the black sheep of the family and despite them not really wanting me to be around, I kept trying to hang around anyway. That's why I ended up here. When my parents divorced when I was around 7, my mom moved to Fort Worth, then Albuquerque, then Fort Worth again, so that's always been kinda a base in between going around the world with my dad. 

The Evster: And now you've packed your bags and headed out to LA. Is this the first time you've taken a shot at this? Did you move out there as a young 20-something or anything? Or is this the first time?

Charles Baker: This is the first time. My oldest brother, Cal, who died a couple of years ago when he was 50, he moved out here when I was about 17, and I came out to visit him once. He wanted to be an actor, he was workin' at a grocery store, as a checker, and had just recently got turned down for like The Price is Right or something, or some game show, but he wasn't really doin' much here so he moved back to Texas. But I came to visit him one day and he took me out to a club and I got kinda wasted and don't really remember much else.

(Evster's note: Charles saying that his brother tried out for The Price is Right really had me baffled. Did he try out for Bob Barker's job? As an announcer? A model? What else is there to do on The Price is Right? Regardless, I did not follow up with a question about it, I just sat there scratching my head while Charles went on. He later told me that he misspoke and that his brother actually tried out for Love Connection with Chuck Woolery which was an AMAZING show, especially when they'd show the percentages of who the audience picked -- tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick -- "Ohhhh, sorry Pamela. The audience picked Stuart. Yes, that's his real haircut.")

How did the dude in the middle not win?!?!

Charles Baker: Yeah, I kinda resisted for a while. I had heard a lot of negative stuff about LA, you know, the people here, how dangerous it was, but I was listening to this from a bunch of people who lived in Texas ... but I finally got invited to come out for a Breaking Bad premiere, I think Season Four? And I went, "You know, I'm not gonna miss out on that," so I came out here for that, I stayed with an uncle I have who lives out here and works in the business as a grip, he's a dolly grip, so I stayed with him for a couple of days and like, realllllyyyyy liked the place. I mean, I really liked it. So I went back to Texas and started making plans and slowly but surely we were able to figure out a way to do it. 

The Evster: And did you move with the wife and kids out there? Did everyone join you out there?

Charles Baker: Yeah, in fact my oldest son, he's 25 now by the way, believe it or not.

The Evster: Wowzers.

Charles Baker: He had just graduated from Texas Wesleyan when all this was happening, but he was deciding on where to go to law school, and low and behold, he got a full scholarship to Whittier Law School in Orange County, so now we've all moved here. I moved my wife and two younger kids here first and got settled, and then as soon as he graduated he came out here as soon as he could. 

The Evster: So the whole Baker clan is out there, getting sun tans. Although it's kinda sunny in Texas, too, so that doesn't make any sense. 

Charles Baker: Uh-huh, and I actually have another daughter, she's 21 and she actually lives in Philly. I tried to get her to move out here, but she just won't. 

The Evster: Yeah, there's something about this town, it's a weird place, it sucks you in, and then it sucks all the life out of you and you can't get out. So life's gotta be goin' pretty well for ya now, huh? You're wrapping up on one of the greatest shows of all time. I'm not ready to call it THE greatest show, in my opinion that's Will and Grace, but that's just one guy's ... 

Charles Baker: Okay, okay, a little bit different, but ...

The Evster: Well, either that or Empty Nest, but life's gotta be goin' pretty well for ya now. How is life different now that it was a year ago? Or five years ago? Like, how's your confidence now as compared to then?

Charles Baker: Well, confidence has gotten a little too high. I think that's part of the problem. You know, I've worked on a Terrence Malick film ...

(Evster's note: I FUCKING LOVE TERRENCE MALICK. He makes these absolutely beautiful, emotional, powerful, sweet, incredibly artistic films. In fact, My wife and I watched Days of Heaven this past weekend and it was so beautiful and subtle and interesting and my wife HATED it. Like, she recognized that it was artistic and pretty and the music was cool, but she friggin' LOATHED Malick's minimal dialogue and storytelling technique. Immediately after the movie was over, she grabbed the remote and put on Wet Hot American Summer. I think that calmed her down.)

Charles Baker: ... and I did that while I was working on Breaking Bad. I just recently worked on a film called Ain't Them Bodies Saints, by David Lowery, he's kinda the next big thing, you'll be hearing about him. So now I'm like, "Yo, I'm Skinny Pete and I've been in a Malick film! What you got that's better than that?" So that mighta gotten my head a little too big, but I'm trying to keep that under control. But I love it out here. The quality of life out here is better than Fort Worth. The weather is better, the people are nicer, we live in a much safer neighborhood. We walk our kids to school. We go to the beach or go hiking in the mountains, there's so much more to do, it's wonderful here. And out here, I get to audition A LOT more.

(Evster's note: As Charles was talking about all the wonderful things you can do in Southern California, I heard a bottle shatter outside of my Downtown Philadelphia office window and then a person started screaming and then like 14 car alarms went off simultaneously.)

Welcome to Soul Patch City. 

The Evster: So back when you were younger and living in Fort Worth and you were hustling for gigs, like, I found these old headshots of you where you were rockin' a soul patch. Can we talk about that? That was something, man. That was really something. 

Charles Baker: Okay, hold on, those pictures were taken by a guy named Mark Roddenberry. Does the name Roddenberry ring a bell at all?

The Evster: Not at all. Should it? I know Mark Ratner from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Charles Baker: Well Mark's the great nephew of Gene Roddenberyy who created the Star Trek series, and then of course, I got to do that Star Trek scene on Breaking Bad. 

The Evster: Oh yeah that's right. I had no idea what was goin' on in that scene. 

Charles Baker: But the soul patch, we're all young and dumb at some point. We do things we regret. I had a soul patch. I can live with it. I got rid of it. Can't we at least say that?

The Evster: Hey listen, I like that you own up to it, but what was your thinkin' there? I'm gonna be Soul Patch Guy? They're gonna remember me?

Charles Baker: See this is a testament to how difficult childhood can be. When I was a little kid I played football and I had this mean, mean-ass football coach and he used to make fun of me saying that I didn't have a chin, so I grew up with this no-chin complex. And I didn't know what that meant, I still don't, so I thought that little soul patch? That gave me the illusion of chinnage. 

The Evster: See that's smart. Very calculated. I now almost accept you for having the soul patch. 

Charles Baker: Thank you, thank you. 

The Evster: All right so lookin' at your IMDB page there's a bunch of stuff that no human being has ever heard of, and then there's Walker Texas Ranger, the movie. I've never seen it, but Chuck Norris is a legend, especially in Fort Worth. Did you get any scenes with Big Chuck?

Charles Baker: Yeah. I'm 40-years-old, so he was kinda a legend when I was younger. He was like the action hero when I was a kid and you know, he fought Bruce Lee and lived to tell the tale. He's a tough dude. And it's kinda hard to not be a little bit intimidated by the guy. 

The Evster: I believe you, man. I'm terrified of white people in general. And if there's a person who can pull of a soul patch in this world, it's Chuck Norris. 

Charles Baker: I'm lucky he didn't pull off my soul patch. 

The Evster: The other one I like on that list is Temple Grandin. I taught special ed middle school for four years and my class was located next to the autistic class and we used to do some stuff with them, so I showed it to my kids and they were way into it. That was a quality movie.

Charles Baker: It really was and I was really thrilled to be a part of that one. I played a nice guy and a cowboy and it was such a good movie. I mean, I sat in a trailer getting my hair and makeup done with Claire Danes and Catherine O'Hara for like a week straight and we would just sit and talk. And I'm still in awe of this business, and every time I get a job I'm meeting someone new, like one of my heroes and I can sit and talk to them and be their peer, it's just surreal. Every job I get is an amazing adventure.

The Evster: And I imagine, coming up soon, some young guy is gonna come up to you and say, "Hey, I watched you on Breaking Bad, tell me what you, you know, you can bestow on me." That's gotta be a great feeling. 

Charles Baker: It's kinda neat, it's hard to really believe some times. That this is actually happening and it's not something I'm watching on some made-for-TV-movie. It's really weird how it's, it's almost been cliché for me after being on Breaking Bad how things have changed. You know, I have a manager now and an entertainment lawyer and a publicist, and people like you want to interview me. 

The Evster: Yeah you're getting interviewed on the #1 blog on the internet that has to do with television my wife watches, so that's pretty unbelievable.

Charles Baker: I know, man. That's pretty awesome. 

The Evster: Yeah this is a new high for you. 

Charles Baker: Definitely. 

The Evster: So you were saying you've got a manager now and an agent and all that, but going back to auditioning for Breaking Bad, did someone set you up for that? Did you seek it out yourself? And did you know going in, or have any inkling that this was something special? 

Charles Baker: It was a weird situation for me, actually. At the time, I was in Texas and I had an agent, I still have that agent, Linda McAllister, and I was doing some acting classes with a casting director who did a lot of casting in Dallas and Fort Worth. And in her classes she was using old scripts from shows that she had tried to cast. And she had this old script, from a show that FX was originally gonna produce called Breaking Bad, but FX backed out at the last minute. So this casting director had all these scripts from a show they weren't going to make, because geez, it was a show about a high school teacher who makes meth, who's gonna make a show like that? So she was using that for her acting class. And I really, I knew a lot about what that script, at least what the pilot was about. I knew all the characters, because I had practiced playing pretty much all of them, without having any idea that Bryan or Aaron would be playing these roles. So I got to play with that script quite a bit before AMC decided they were gonna do it. And luckily, the same casting director was also used to help with the local casting for New Mexico. She was hired to help cast the day players, the one liner characters. And that's what they brought me in there for just, you just have a few lines and you're done. I remember before I got that audition and I said to her, "Hey, I can be on this show," and she laughed at me and said, "What are you gonna do on a show about a high school teacher who cooks meth with his high school student?" and I said, "Well they're bound to have other junkies on this show at some point." And she just kinda laughed that off and then a couple days later she was like, "Hey, you got an audition."

At first, the audition was for three parts: the Skinny Stoner, the Tattooed Stoner and a Chubby Stoner, and when I came back for the callback, it was just Tattooed Skinny Stoner and Chubby Stoner, and I was like, "Well, I'm already skinny and tattooed so I got this." And I went in and gave it all I got. I was told later by the producers that if I hadn't gotten in the way that I did, I never would've gotten an audition for the part, let alone gotten the part. Because they became so popular so fast, they could've had anybody, any named actor to play that role if they knew that it was gonna be a continuing role. They weren't gonna give it to some unknown actor guy who had been on Walker Texas Ranger, they were gonna give it to somebody good. And luckily I got to stay.

The Evster: So when did you realize this went from, "All right I've been in a couple episodes of this pretty decent show" to "Holy shit, I'm on one of the greatest shows of all time,"? Was it evident from the start? Did you realize it the second you got on set? I imagine you were nervous as hell that first day. 

Charles Baker: I think we all knew. I mean, everybody just knew what we had. When I got to the set, it's like everybody who had been working on the show since the pilot had gotten a chance to see a rough cut of the pilot, before anything else. So a lot of the time, when they were trying to bring actors in who knew nothing about the show, that was their selling point. They would go, "Here, watch the pilot," and then the person would, they'd be like, "Yeah, I wanna be on this." And so it was pretty evident and I don't know if anyone really expected, or even cared about the Emmys and critical acclaim, we just knew we had a great show and we were just gonna give it our all.

#BunReport! Charles has a pet bun named Smudge.

The Evster: Let's talk about life on set. I feel like if I were on the Breaking Bad set, I don't think I could stop talking about Bryan Cranston's calves. I have never seen calf muscles on a human being like his. Is it like widely discussed on the set that when he gets into his tightie whities, everyone gathers round and is like, "Holy smokes, look at them calves." Anyone ever brought that up to him?

Charles Baker: I'll be honest, I have never even thought about his calves. 

The Evster: REALLY?

Charles Baker: But that might explain why he likes to do so many scenes in his underwear. I normally try to keep my eyes above the waist. When you're staring at a guy who has won Emmys and is Heisenberg, you wanna be looking at his eyes. You don't want your eyes roaming around. 

The Evster: I understand that, but the man is bound to turn his back at some point, and I would think that a fella who has been on a set with horses like Walker Texas Ranger and cows on Temple Grandin, that you would appreciate his lower legs. Next time, you know, check 'em out, although I guess there won't be a next time, but ... I dunno, how is it on set? Everyone gets along? They feed you well? What kinda food they got up in there? I imagine that based on the success the food has gotten a lot better.

Charles Baker: Aw man, since the first season, I swear, they snagged THE BEST caterer in the industry. I brought my wife, my son and my best friend to the set, from Texas, not so they could watch me, but so they could see the food I was getting. My wife, she's a foodie, loves different types of food, trying different kinds of food. In fact in Season 3, that's the season I'm in the most, I actually gained a lot of weight because I just, man, I pigged out. It was phenomenal.

The Evster: Hey man, I get it. You were a starving actor. You needed that. 

Charles Baker: It was pretty awesome. 

The Evster: Who chows down the most on set? I mean, the obvious choice would be Hank Schrader, or whatever his name is in real life. 

Charles Baker: Dean Norris, yeah, he's an awesome dude by the way. Um, there was one point where like, Aaron Paul sat down next to me at lunch, and I was piggin out and he was just like, "Hey man, are you gaining weight? You're Skinny Pete." and I sorta stopped and was like, "Is that a hint?" Was he telling me I need to stop eating so much food? Luckily that season Skinny Pete was getting clean for a little bit, so it worked out for a while. 

The Evster: All right, so life is good, you're eating well, how 'bout this wife of yours? Does she make you watch any ridiculous television? The Bachelor? Real Housewives? Anything like that?

Charles Baker: Well, she umm, she's an actress and she has a degree from TCU also, so ummm, well not also, it's not like I have any sort of degree, I mean like her mom works at TCU and she has a degree, umm, she loves dance. She has been dancing since she was 4, so she watches So You Think You Can Dance religiously. I watch until they vote out all my favorite hot chicks. Or, ugh, I'm sorry if that sounded really misogynistic. I watch until all the beautiful young ladies are gone. 

The Evster: Yeah, that's all right, we'll edit that out. 

Charles Baker: Thank you. Then, after that, I tend to lose interest.

The Evster: That show's been on from time to time in our house, and I recognize that some of it is amazing, but I've never understood the whole interpretive dance with the jumping and the feet together and the rolling around on the ground. I mean, I get it, I get it, it's art, but I wanna see the dudes breakdancing and doing the slow-motion stuff and all that. That's mind blowing to me. 

Charles Baker: I kinda lose it with all the ballroom dancing, and I know that's a skill. I mean, I took tap, jazz and ballet as a young guy and used to perform with a lot of ballet companies around Fort Worth while I was struggling to make it as an actor, and I enjoy watching great dance, but some of that quickstep and ballroom dancing, I'm just like ... 

The Evster: You're completely ruining your chances of ending up on Dancing With the Stars right now by the way, you realize?

Charles Baker: Yeah, that's all right. When you don't dance for a while, you kinda lose it. My daughter, the one who lives in Philadelphia, came to visit out here and I took her to a party, a Breaking Bad screening, and we were at the party and I started jamming my head at the party and she was like, "Oh great, I come all the way out here for an embarrassing dad moment," and I was like, "Really? I'm now embarrassing because of the way I dance?" 

The Evster: As if the soul patch wasn't enough, now it's the dancing. You can't win. 

Charles Baker: That's all right, I'm okay with not doing Dancing with the Stars. My wife wants me to do Knife Fight, some new cooking show that's never coming out. I know nothing about it other than the name, but she made it very clear that she wants me to be on that show. And you know what? I've been pretty smart, I kinda convinced my wife and family that TV, like, that's my job, so therefore I have to watch good television in order to be a better actor. 

The Evster: Smart, man. Really smart. 

Charles Baker: Yeah, but she watches a bunch of reality. Mostly cooking shows, a bunch of cooking shows. 

The Evster: Top Chef? You guys into Top Chef?

Charles Baker: She is. I mean, if the show was about cooking, I'd watch it, but when it's about the drama instead of the cooking ...

The Evster: I dunno, Top Chef is pretty legit. But hold up, back up a sec, when she's sitting down on the couch, parked in front of the TV watching Top Chef, she doesn't force you and be like, "Yo Chuck, sit down on this couch and watch this show with your wife." You're allowed to go do other things?

Charles Baker: We actually have a great relationship that way. I have my own office that used to be a garage, and that's my man cave.

The Evster: You are living the dream, man. I'm guessing you didn't marry a Jewish woman, because a Jewish woman would never allow that. You would be parked right next to her at all times, like I am. Oh my God, please kill me. What about those kids? Are they watching any annoying stuff? Caillou? They ever get into Caillou? That show is fucking terrible.

Charles Baker: My daughter did for a little while, but we got an extra TV recently, and a play room, so my daughter can go off there and watch whatever she wants. My daughter and I actually have a lot of similar tastes and stuff. The Disney movies. I recently got her The Guardians of the Galaxy? Have you seen that movie?

The Evster: No, I have not.

Charles Baker: DUDE, check that out. I was pretty surprised. That's a pretty fun movie.

The Evster: How 'bout Terrence Malick? She into that? Tree of Life?

Charles Baker: She's not yet into that, but I recently bought a copy of The Princess Bride for my daughter. But I'm still waiting to give it to her, because, for 1: for her to be old enough to appreciate it, and 2: for her to have a sick day, and then I'm gonna break that sucker out and I'm gonna be the greatest dad in the world.

The Evster: What's the appropriate age to introduce that movie to someone? Where someone actually gets it? Is that like 8?

Charles Baker: I think 7 or 8. She's smart enough. She'd probably be kinda close now, but I really, I wanna give her a little more time so she can focus and appreciate it. 

The Evster: You know what I just learned about that Mandy Patankin guy? I don't know if you watch Homeland with your girl Claire Danes?

Charles Baker: No, but I know Mandy Patankin. 

The Evster: Yeah, so he was the dude in Princess Bride. Whatshisname? Domingo Montoya, right?

Charles Baker: Yeah, Inigo Montoya. 

The Evster: That's unbelievable! Wait, so you HAVEN'T seen Homeland? You haven't seen what your girl Claire Danes is doing on Homeland?

Charles Baker: No I haven't watched it yet. With shows like that, I like to wait til there's a enough of episodes to watch and then binge watch it on Netflix or DVDs, so I haven't seen that yet. 

The Evster: She's gonna blow your mind, man. She's not just helping out cows and just, shoo, she is a WOMAN these days. It's ridiculous. 

Charles Baker: She's an awesome woman, too. She's brilliant. We were actually shooting Temple Grandin during the first presidential debate, during Obama's first election, and we used to talk about politics a lot, and Claire Danes used to have the most rational and valid arguments when we were discussing that. 

The Evster: All right, man, so what now? You got some new show that you're excited about, right?

Charles Baker: Yeahhhh, The Blacklist

The Evster: Yeah what's that all about?

Charles Baker: Uh, James Spader is like the FBI's Most Wanted, well, he's like #4 or #5 Most Wanted, not the #1, but he's up there, and he just like, turns himself in. Walks into the FBI office and turns himself in and he does it with what he calls a Blacklist. And he's like, "I've got this list, this Blacklist of criminals that you didn't even know they exist, and they're worse than any of these guys on your list, and I wanna help you catch them." 

The Evster: By the way, all you had to say was James Spader and my wife was in, she will watch that show. Done. That's all she needs to hear. She lovvvvvves that dude. 

Charles Baker: That's how they got me to be in it. They were like, "Heyyy uhhh, we got this show called The Blacklist with uhh, James Spader, you wanna audition?" and I was like, "Hell yeah!" And when they offered me the job, they were like, "Well, we know you're in LA and we're shootin' it in New York and it's just the pilot, so we're not gonna even fly you out here or put you up, do you still want to be in it?" and I was like, "Hell yeah I still wanna be in that show." So I flew myself out and put myself up, and damned if I'm not still in the show. 

The Evster: So what kinda role do you play in the show?

Charles Baker: I play his driver / confidante. If he were Batman, I would be Alfred. It's a cool role for me. If you see the premiere, I'm actually the very first line in the premiere. "Must be good to be home again, sir." I play a very proper kind of butler kind of guy. Originally he was called The Man in the Grey Flannel Suit, but now he's just called Grey.

The Evster: All right man, well cool. Anything else you wanna touch on? I really appreciate you coming on and talking to me. 

Charles Baker: Hey, yeah, no problem. No, not that I can think of. 

The Evster: Well thank you so much, Charles. I really appreciate it. 

Charles Baker: All right, take it easy. Good talking to you, Evan.






Yo, huge shout out to Charles Baker for doing this. Very nice and cool dude. Be sure to follow him on Twitter @CharlesEBaker. Would you do that please? Would you just do that for your old pal, The Evster? It'd mean a lot to me. THIS IS A HUMAN BEING WHO ACTUALLY AGREED TO BE INTERVIEWED ON THIS BLORG. So follow that dude. Or you could follow me @TVMWW. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out this picture of a really cute squirrel eating pizza. 

#NeverForget

TV My Dad Watches: Entertainment Tonight

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Pretty strong Adam's App.

Evster's note: For the next two weeks -- while our bathroom is being redone -- my wife and I will be living at MY PARENTS' HOUSE. As of now, it is still unclear as to whether or not my marriage will make it through the fortnight, but if it's any consolation, I will be writing a bunch of posts on what it's like to watch TV with my folks. The following is what took place last night, the first night of our stay, as I joined my dad for Entertainment Tonight.


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I should probably start off by telling you that my father rarely wears pants at home. I'm not sure why that matters, or why I felt like it was necessary to not only include that bit of information here, but lead off with it, but when your father's gigantic testicles are consistently creeping out the bottom of his tightie whities, it sort of has to be mentioned.

Amazingly, when I joined my father in the den last night, he was wearing pants (well, shorts). This might've been because he was on his best behavior, what with my wife being there and all, but based on the fact that my father lives in a constant state of oblivion, I'm thinking he probably just forgot to take them off. Regardless, when I took my seat next to him, he was curled up and concealed on the couch, already ten minutes into Entertainment Tonight.


"What're you watchin, Dad?"

"Ohhh, some news program I like that comes on before Anderson Cooper. I forget the name of it."

"This is Entertainment Tonight, Dad."

"Is it?"

"Do you watch this every night, Dad?"

"Yeah, the skits move pretty fast. It's entertaining."

Now, it was unclear here as to whether or not my father misspoke -- calling the show's segments "skits" -- or if he genuinely thought this was some sort of comedy program where actors performed ridiculous sketches. Either way, the first segment profiled Olivia Newton-John's daughter, who is currently recovering from a massive cocaine and alcohol addiction.

Between interview sound bites with both Olivia and her daughter, ET spliced in quick cuts of ONJ's daughter's music video, "Play With Me", one where she is filmed snorting cocaine, putting a gun to her head and trying to electrocute herself in a bathtub. The last of these three actions brought about legitimate, auditory laughter from both me and my dad.

"I also watch Ofrah's friend, Gail, in the mornings," my dad said outta nowhere. "She has a show with this other guy."

"Nice."

I then asked my dad what he thought of the show's two hosts, a white lady who looks exactly like the type of lady who would host Entertainment Tonight, and a bronze dude who looks like no human being who I have ever talked to in my entire life.

"Oh, they just introduce the next act. I don't even listen to them."

At this point in the show, my mother walked in to talk to me about my Skinny Pete interview, but she quickly got distracted by ET's profile of Richard Simmons, specifically his dyed hair. She then walk out of the room, opened the front door and yelled, "MY PLANTS NEED TO BE WATERED" to no one in particular.

Should I know who Olivia Newton-John is?
I mean, I kinda do. 

Back in the den, I noticed something weird on the sole of my dad's foot. It looked like a blood blister, or possibly a wart, so I asked my dad what was goin' on there.

"I think it's part of a nut," he said.

"Sorry, what?"

"Yeah, this is part of a nut." He peeled it off his foot.

"What are you talking about? Part of a nut?"

"Like a walnut or something."

"What do you mean it's like a walnut or something? Were you eating walnuts?"

"No, but I might've been walking outside without shoes on and stepped on a nut. Although I wore socks to LA Fitness today, so maybe not."

At this time, my mom walked back into the room.

"OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT, A TOOTH? DID YOU TAKE YOUR TEETH OUT AGAIN?"

"Everything is a tooth. She thinks everything is a tooth. Not it's not a tooth, it's a nut!"

"Well get it outta here. It doesn't belong here."

I frantically reached for a pen and paper, trying to scribble all this down as quickly as possible.

"What are you doing?" my mom asked. "Are you writing down what I'm saying? You're writing down what I'm saying, aren't you? I hate you. I hate you all."

My dad then asked, "How do I get on your website? Mom never taught me."

The rest of the episode was pretty much exactly like every other episode of Entertainment Tonight you've ever seen. They did a thing about how Miley Cyrus is ruining the world, announced that it was Aaron Paul's birthday and mentioned something about Khloe Kardashian having a nervous breakdown. All in all, a pretty fantastic start to our two-week stay.

Also, it was an acorn.




For minute-by-minute BLOW-BY-BLOW updates on TVMWW Headquarters moving in with my parents, follow me on Twitter @TVMWW. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at this picture of a little girl feeding her cats a giant fish.

#NeverForget

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If you don't look good, we don't look good. 

Mailborg: Talkin' the Bachelorette, Al Jazeera TV, the Top 5 Worst Feelings Ever, and Why TVMWW Has Been MIA for a Few Weeks

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I feel like mailmen are always wearing amazing socks. 

Where would TVMWW be without its readers? Probably exactly where it is considering there's only around 12 of you. BUT BABY OH BABY YOU'RE A STRONG 12. So let's take some time out to respond to my literally dozen of readers by emptying out the ole Mailborg 5000 and seeing what questions/comments/selfies my readers have sent me over the past few months.

Beep boop beep boop beep boop beep ...



---------------------------------


Is a mailborg like a cyborg but for mail? -- Lee Ewing ‏aka @l_ewing1221 

Sure, whatever.

Can you twitpic your mail sorting cyborg? -- Lee Ewing ‏aka @l_ewing1221 

Can you send me a picture of your girlfriend's pedicure?


Why is he waving? Get to work!

Ayo Evster, if Des gave out buns instead of roses wouldn't it be more romantic? -- Tim R aka ‏‪@whitemidget‬‬‬‬

Yes it would. It absolutely would. There are few things in this world more romantic than giving your suitor a live, breathing bunny rabbit. Imagine the ratings boom every Monday night at approximately 9:45pm when millions of viewers would tune in to see a woman hand over approximately 10 to 15 bunny rabbits to some sweaty, nervous idiots. The guys would be all confused about how to carry the buns, the buns would be trying to nibble their way out of their hands, it would be adorable! Unfortunately at this point, the stupid roses have way too much built-in caché to be replaced, BUT, I could see the Bachelorette producers incorporating buns into the rose ceremony ONLY if the Bachelorette was like, way into buns.

Like, for examps: you know those ladies who are way into stuff? Like elephants or snowglobes and they decorate their houses with a bunch of little figurines and trinkets? Well, let's just say that the next Bachelorette was BONKERS into buns. Maybe she was even a veterinarian or someone who specializes in buns. (Are there veterinarians who specialize in buns? There have to be.) Then maybe when she gave out the roses, she could put a rose in a bun's mouth and have the bun deliver the rose to the dude. Although I imagine if you put a rose in a bun's mouth, it would eat it, which would cause a great deal of confusion as to who was supposed to get the rose, but it'd still be supes dupes cupes.

Next questch!

Hey, Evster, did you find it as odd as I did how Des and Chris KEPT TALKING ABOUT growing old together? They both wish they were in their 70s. I didn't count, but they must have mentioned it a combined 45 times during the last 10 minutes of the show. Lamest couple ever. -- M̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶M̶e̶e̶c̶h̶ ‏aka ‪@meechone‬‬‬‬

First of all, the lamest couple ever is Mario Lopez and whatever dude happens to be in a relationship with Mario Lopez. Secondly, I TOTALLY GET WANTING TO GROW OLD TOGETHER. Think about it, life is MISERABLE. We wake up, we eat bananas, sometimes granola bars, sometimes yogurt (geez, are there ANY other acceptable breakfast foods?), then spend our days sitting through lame-ass Power Point presentations, before we finally get to go home and watch stupid television shows while checking our Twitter and PRAYING FOR FAVES AND RETWEETS, and then before you know it, we go to sleep, have the covers ripped off of us by the person we've chosen to cohabitate with and then our stinkin' alarms go off and we have to do it all over again EVERY STINKIN' DAY. 

Personally, I can't wait to get old and not have to do anything, ever. Sure, I'll probably also have constant lower back pain and tumultuous diarrhea, but it's not like that'd be anything new. Plus, people in their 70s don't give a shit about shit. They're the only ones who have figured it all out. Also, Viagara seems amazing. So sorry, Meech, but I totally support Des and Chris and their incredibly boring, pathetic, public lifestyles and desire to grown old together. THANKS FOR WRITING IN THOUGH DUDE, KEEP RETWEETING MY STUFF, THANKS AGAIN, 'PRECIATE IT. 


DESIREE ACTUALLY TWEETED THIS ONTO THE INTERNET.

Are you done with ‪#foxtalk‬‬‬‬, Evster? Just wondering for future updates. -- Mark Magowan ‏‪aka @_magowan‬‬‬‬

Absolutely not. Love #foxtalk, love foxes, love Vivica A. Fox. It's just I haven't seen one in almost a year. Besides, this is the summer of buns as evidenced by the fact that all the memory in my phone is used up with pictures of buns. Also, how is it that you had to make your Twitter handle UNDERSCORE Magowan? Are you telling me someone else had "Magowan" and if so, you couldn't come up with something better like "TheMagowinator" or "MauiGowey" or "BaloneyBalls44"? C'mon man, underscores are unacceptable. THANKS FOR READING, DOE. 

Hello Evan TVMWW, got a lil question for the ol' mailbaag here for you. Some background here is this: I live with my girlfriend and I am a millennial adult. I have a feeling this is a lot what marriage is like from reading your bolg a lot because I can see many similarities between yourself and myself even at my young, not married age. So anyway here is my question: Do you still watch the Real Housewives with the wife? Haven't seen many posts about it in a while. If you don't watch it, why is that (and how can I not be forced to watch it anymore like you)? Thanks and god bless. -- Doc Pizza aka @Dr_Pizza_MD

DOCTOR, you get it. You totally get it! This blorg is NOT only about television, it's more of a sociological experiment looking at the male-female dynamic through the lens of television. That being said, I totally figured out how to avoid The Real Housewives this season. I FIGURED IT OUT. Basically, my wife and I have been going bonkers on Netflix with Breaking Bad and Homeland in an attempt to catch up to the rest of the world and not have to plug up our ears when people at work are talking about stuff. So while we're spending every night on the couch wasting away watching old TV shows, at least we're not watching the shit show that is the RHONJ. So all you have to do is find a show that you're at least 17 seasons behind on and then pop that baby in. Shows I recommend are: Luther, the Brak Show and any Ken Burns special. Also, not watching RHONJ has definitely brought my blood pressure down considerably. And even though I haven't seen one episode this season, I still think I could guess what's happening: Teresa is mad at Melissa. Melissa is mad at Teresa. And the two Joes recently learned to eat with their feet. 

Unfortunately, my wife has been watching two other shows in RHONJ's place: Devious Maids and Below Deck (which is essentially The Real World on a boat). I caught a few minutes of one episode of Below Deck and some lady got drunk and tried to sneak off the boat, but got caught by the ship's captain mere seconds after making it to land. The lady had huge tits and was sobbing like a two-year-old so it was basically the hottest thing I've seen on television this year. I highly approve of this show and now that I think about it cannot believe that I haven't watched Devious Maids yet. Devious + Maids = TOTAL HAWTNESS.

Evster's Note: This next email was from a guy named Frat, my next-door neighbor growing up and an actual doctor, responding to when I wrote about having Pericarditis a few weeks ago (a virus that causes inflammation around the sac of one's heart).

Dude. Get over yourself. Advil. It'll cure that "heart attack" right up. -- Frat

Thanks, Doctor Dolittle. I'll have you know that only ten days after being diagnosed and treated for Pericarditis, I was back in the hospital after a massive amount of fluid built up around my heart and had to be drained out with a needle. At one point during my SIX DAY STAY in the hosp, I watched as a doctor jammed a syringe into my chest and drained 400ml of bloody fluid from my heart, and then dumped it into a BUCKET right in front of me. 

JUST THE FOUR HUNDRED MILLILITERS, FRAT. 

JUST THE FOUR HUNNY. 

So thanks for the Advil advice, Doctor Dickpants. Also I saw your mother the other day and she gave me a bunch of tomatoes from her garden and they were delicious. I also have a bacteria infection that I got in the hospital and have to be on an IV for the next month. BUT THANKS FOR THE MEDICAL ADVICE, DOC. THE ADVIL WORKED GREAT. 


Just my pack of syringes to shoot myself with antibiotics over the next month or so.


Hey Ev, We've been trying to come up with a list of Top 5 worst feelings ever, but have only come up with: A) wet socks and B) sand in places it doesn't belong. We're too lazy/apathetic to put more thought into it but since you're not... And, we're looking for good, legit ones. Not just crap like "reading this blog." Also, "who caresss" is not an acceptable (or funny) response. -- Neens

All right, wet socks is the worst. There's no doubt about that, so you're off to a great start. Paper cut is another obvious one, as is a hangnail, but I'm not sure if you've ever had a little something called Pericarditis? 'Cuz that's a rough one, too, especially when they drain FOUR HUNDRED MILLILITERS OF BLOODY FLUID FROM YOUR HEART AND DUMP IT INTO A BUCKET. Also, ordering a hoagie and seeing that they forgot to put mayonnaise on it is unacceptable. What about getting X-Rays at the dentist? That suckssssss. And sitting through Power Point presentations. Ugh. I think that's a pretty strong list. How does this have anything to do with TV my wife watches?

What's a better square candy, Now & Laters, Bonkers or Starburst? Popeye's or KFC? Did Michael Douglas ruin cunnilingus for all of womankind? -- Yours Truly, Chevy from Chalfont

Pretty sure Now & Laters will break every incisor in your mouth. Not sure if I remember exactly what Bonkers are -- are they the ones where juice explodes in your mouth? -- if so, definitely them. Starburst are dope, except for those tropical flavors that totally suck butt. Popeye's dominates KFC all day every day. The biscuits are dynamite. Michael Duggs is a total idiot, but I appreciate the fact that he loves performing oral sex, which I've always felt is the true mark of a real man. Sorry about the whole cancer thing though, Mike. Take some Advil. 

Did you know that your blahg stinks? More pictures of hot people with no clothes on. Less talking! Do you know what tl;dr means? How you you like your cheeseburgers cooked? -- Thad

Ugh, for those of you who feel like these are the ramblings of a mad man, you're right. "Thad" is actually Philly Phoodie, the writer of a very popular food blog, and a total space cadet. He's the first "online blog friend" of mine who I actually met in real life and there's not a day that goes by that I don't regret meeting him. That being said, he's got a really good food blog for people who are interested in having a quadruple bypass before the age of 40. And I like my cheeseburgs medium rare. Obvs.

First time long time here. Would really like to know your opinion on this whole Al Jazeera TV network getting a slot in America? Do we need more news channels, are we catering to the mid-eastern threat? What in the world is going on here? Figured I'd ask the guy who watches the most TV and has a blogspot about it. Thanks I'll take my answer on the webs! -- Page talks, from Phish

This email is so confusing. Page talks, from Phish? Are you in Phish? Or is Phish a place? Either way, I think this whole Al Jazeera American TV channel is fantastic, mostly because it should give us a better idea about what the hell goes on in a cricket match. Also, Indian chicks tend to be SMOKE DAWGS. Are the people of Al Jazeera TV Indian? No, they're Middle Eastern. Is that the same thing? What if they had an actual cricket host the news? I'd watch that shit every night. I mean, a cartoon cricket, obviously. With googly eyes. He could wear a little tie, too. And have a mustache?


I love these guys so much.

What's your favorite college football team?!?!?! #AskTVMWW -- Matt Jay ‏aka @matt_jurk 

I'm a Michigan Man! (even though I went to Maryland). When I was at College Park (class of 1947), they used to put up this graphic up on the scoreboard during key third downs that read, "NOISE NOISE NOISE" and my friend Larbage and I used to yell, "Noise! Noise! Noise!" Also, I once saw a dude get blasted in the face and fall down five rows of bleachers and I got really, really scared. So yeah, Michigan. Also, it must hurt so much to get blasted in the face. I feel like if I ever did get punched in the face, my entire head would explode. A good way to clean up all the blood from an exploding head is to slurp it up with a syringe and then dump it into a bucket.

Yo Evster, is sitting through a power point presentache worse than having to create one? I am currently creating one and it is the worst waste of time that I have ever been through! Thanks. -- Keith in Collegeville, PA

I've never actually created a PP, but if I did, I think I'd just put up pictures of cows and frogs and then run out of the room when it was my time to speak. The worst PPPs are when people just write out whole paragraphs on the slide and then read right from the script. Good God, why are we spending so much time talking about PPPs? Let's talk about Collegeville, PA, instead.

There used to be a place in Collegeville called Harpoon Louie's and they claimed to be "The Home of the Oyster Pie." I never made it there before it closed, which was a colossal mistake on my part and one that I think about every day of my life. I've also found that chicks who go to Ursinus college are major, major guttersluts. Honestly, what is this blog supposed to be about, anyway? Thanks for reading, doe.

I've been reading your dumb blog for almost a year and still haven't seen one comment from "Dar". She's not real, right? That would be some 6th Sense isht right there. A CLEVER RUSE TO CREATE THE DUMBEST BLOG ON THIS HERE INTERNET. ‪#askTVMWWWWW‬‬‬ -- Kunk aka ‏‪@Kunk7‬‬‬  

My wife is very real and very spectacular, but she picks and chooses her time to comment very carefully. Basically, she'll only chime in when some lady writes some flirty response and she feels the need to mark her territory. Seeing as I haven't had any flirty comments in quite some time (WHERE ARE THE FLIRTY COMMENTS, LADIES?), she has been silent. That being said, she will seriously slice a bitch in the throat. 

THANKS FOR READING AND WRITING IN, EVERYBODY. 

LET'S DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME. 

OR NOT. 

EITHER ONE IS FINE.

PROBABLY LEANING TOWARDS NOT.






Do you wanna be featured in the next TVMWMWMMW mailborg post? I don't blame you if you don't, but if you DO, send in your questions/comments/barefoot pics to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com. I will publish and respond to any and all emails. Orrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out this lady surfing on a camel. That's what I'd do. I mean, it's much less time consuming. And also it's a camel. 

Miss Americaaaaaaaaa aagggggghhhhhhghgghghghgghghgh

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Miss New York: Smoothest armpits in the biz. 

Congraggulagtions to some lady who got very excited when they called her name at the end. The Miss America pagej has now been won by a New Yorker in back-to-back years which is sort of interesting / not that interesting / kind of really interesting. This however is not the most impressive streak in the competish as the state of Idaho has entered a live buffalo in the pageant for 37 straight years.


If I had been paying attention during the contest I could tell you what kind of garb Miss America was wearing for the talent portion or where her heritage is from (India? That looks Indian, right?), but I am currently on a lot of prescription pain medication so I was kinda mesmerized by all of the shiny sparkles. I can also tell you that the new Miss America has VERY strong feet and I'd love for her to repeatedly kick me in the face, neck, chest and breast area.



Lady in Purple aka The Runner Up: "OMG I'm so happy for you jk I will seriously gut you jk this is so great jk I will seriously slice your abdomen off and feed it to a fish jk happy happy happppyyyyyyy!!!!! jk kill me!!!!!! happpyyyy thoughhhhhh!!!!! but stab me with an ice pick but happpyyyy!!!yyyy!!!!yyyy!!!!! deathhhh!!!!!yyyyyy!!!!! sadnessssssss!!!! and smilingggggggg!!!! it hurts so mucccchhhhhhhhappyyyyyyy!!!!"


Watching Looney Tunes (From My Hospital Bed)

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Offsides.

Not to get all Alan Sepinwall on you, but I'm currently writing this blorgpost from my hospital room. Relax, I'm fine. After having Pericarditis a few weeks ago and needing some fluid drained from my heart (which I talked about in my Mailborg Post) I had to be readmitted to have some more fluid drained from my lungs. I'm fine, seriously. It's not a big deal. (JK I'm totally gonna die please help me.)

If you've never spent a night in the hospital, here's what goes on: They hook you up to a million machines that constantly bink and bonk and blurnk and bleenk and keep you up all night even though you're trying to recover from having ONE LITER OF AMBER-COLORED FLUID DRAINED FROM YOUR LUNGS. To distract you from the blonks and bleeps and excruciating pain, patients keep their televisions on all the time. Since I've been here, my wife and I have watched everything from Champions League Soccer to a nature documentary on frogs while bonding over our intense hatred for all things Kathie Lee Gifford.

But today, ohhhhh baby, my wellness took a turn for the good after watching Looney Tunes -- specifically a hilarious sketch starring Sylvester the cat.




Evster's Note: I actually live-tweeted Sylvester's Looney Tunes episode earlier today. If you read it, that's great, I love you and thanks for not blocking me. If not, the following will be a slightly more detailed and probably less funny description of what went down.

This thing can suck a million butts. 

The cartoon started off with a drunk stork swerving and stumbling and struggling to find his way to deliver a baby mouse to its new parents. Tired of flying, the stork decided to drop off the mouse at a random doorstep where the baby was picked up by Sylvester's wife (who by the way I had no idea ever even existed). Mrs. Sylvester thought the baby mouse was adorbs, so she brought it in, cooed and swooned over it, and showed it to her husband. Sylvester then tried to eat the mouse.

Mrs. Sylvester scolded Sylvester and told him that they would love the baby mouse as if it was there own, then left to go run some errands. Now alone with the mouse, Sylvester went to change its diaper, but then had an idea, so he ran to the kitchen, grabbed some condiments and sprinkled the mouse with salt and pepps before wrapping it up in a lettuce diaper. Sylvester then put the mouse between two very large pieces of bread, brought the little rodent to his mouth, but right before he could take a bite the mouse popped its little mouse head out of the mouse sandwich, looked directly at Sylvester and said the word, "Dad-dy," two simple syllables that wobble the knees of every first-time father. Sylvester was smitten and put the mousewich down. I smiled from my bed which produced a sharp, stabbing pain in my neck and then I screamed for my nurse to come and kill me immediately.

I love baby powder so much.

Sylvester then decided to take the little guy for a walk, but only seconds after leaving the house, every goddamn cat in his neighborhood tried to eat the mouse. The cats chased Sylvester all the way home where he locked all his windows and doors immediately. Roughly 37 cats surrounded Sylvester's home, all desperate to find a way in.

The most clever of the cats was a guy who dressed up as a door-to-door vacuum salesman and barged into the living room to give his pitch. The vacuum salesman (who was a cat, remember) sprinkled a bunch of shredded paper all over the floor and into the baby's crib and then demonstrated how well his vacuum could slurp it all up. I turned my head for a second to cough up some phlegm and almost nailed my skull on my IV pole so I'm not quite sure how Sylvester kept him from eating the mouse, but I'm pretty sure that he just blasted him against the wall or shoved the vacuum cleaner down his throat.

Another cat put on a Santa Claus outfit and attempted to lower himself down the chimney, but Sylvester quickly thrwarted that plan by attaching a helium-filled balloon to a stick of dynamite and letting it go up the fireplace, because that's what you do when burglars try to enter your house through a chimney.

At this point (almost the conclusion!), one of my doctors came in to talk about stuff, because if there's one thing doctors love to do at hospitals it's disturbing you when you're having fun. This particular doctor was a resident on my floor named Dr. Pelborg (Pelborg!) and every time he leaves the room after talking to me, my wife and I look at each other and say, "Pelborg!" It's gotten to the point where when Pelborg enters my room I can't help myself from muttering, out loud, "Pelborg," and quite frankly I think he's onto me. He also happens to be one of the very few people who has to power to discharge me which may explain why I'll be here until mid to late October.

Back to the cartoon!

At the end, the drunk stork realized his mistake and went back to Sylvester's house to return the mouse to his rightful owners. In order to catch the mouse, the drunk stork (by the way, how amazing is it that Looney Tunes had a drunk stork? There's no way they would have a drunk character on a kid's cartoon these days. Also how fucking annoying is Kathie Lee Gifford?) attached a piece of Swiss cheese to a fishing pole and lowered the bait down the chimney. Sylvester saw the cheese, thought it was another cat, so he stopped the mouse but was reeled in by the stork. The drunk stork (still drunk!) then delivered Sylvester to a couple of really cute mouse parents.

It ended with the mouse parents pushing Sylvester in a stroller (he was wearing a bonnet!) and one of mouse parents said to the other, "Nothing like this ever happened on my side of the family," and then the cartoon faded out and that was the end. I laughed and had a coughing fit and possibly blacked out, but I can safely say that it was by far the best eight minutes of television that I've seen in the last twenty years.

I can also say that if my heart monitor continues to beep and blorp throughout the night tonight, I will rip it off the wall and throw it out my 4th-story window.*

*Press my "Call Nurse" button and get no reply and then press it again and continue to get ignored and then get nervous that I'm pressing it too much and spend the rest of the night hiding under my blankets, cold and lonely and tired and sad.

They're wearing hats!









My dying wish is to gain just a few more Twitter followers, so if you STILL HAVEN'T JOINED TWITTER I MEAN C'MON SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU JUST JOIN ALREADY AND FOLLOW ME AND FOLLOW PAT SAJACK AND YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOREVER. Or just watch those videos above. That's prolly more enjoyable anyway. 

Emmys Fashion Review with @SaraCircle

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Almost none of these women are talked about in this post. 

Hey all you hamburgers and cheeseburgers. After live-tweeting the Emmys Sunday night and only losing eight followers, I figured I'd keep this train rolling and ask TVMWW’s Hollywood Correspondent, Sara Circs (aka Bazooka Mom), to join me to talk about Emmys fashion.

So enough with all this jibber jabber, let's get to it!

Ready to make fun of people, Circs?

Circs: Nope!

Awesome.


Lady from Parks and Rec, Parks and Rec 

The Evster: I like what this lady is doin here. Really goin' out on a limb with the whole fab goth thing, but then again I don’t know any fab goth chicks who carry a clutch, so maybe that’s not what she’s doing. I also don’t know if a “clutch” is the right word for what she’s carrying ... ugh, yes I do ... it’s obviously a clutch. Also, carrying a clutch around all night with you must be the worst. I mean, why not just make a dress with a little zip-up pouch like those old Kangaroos sneaks? That way women could carry around their essentials like lip gloss, a credit card and a vial of cocaine while also having their hands free to carry an even bigger bag of cocaine. Also, her tits are too small. Grade: B-

Circs: I was taken aback when I saw this because I was like, “Wow, she looks pretty hot, and I never thought of her as hot before, and this is kind of sophisticated, which also isn’t really how I think of her” and basically it was a She’s All That moment for me, except replace removing the pretty girl’s glasses with sitting on my couch eating beef jerky and weeping soft tears of loneliness. Anyway, even though her boobs aren’t that big and that is MASSIVELY OFFENSIVE TO ME, I think the dress fits her really well and is very very flattering and I actually think I like everything about it, so you can go fuck yourself, everybody. Sorry. Sorry. Everything’s cool. Grade: A- (could use a splash of color)

The Evster: Her necklace has a little splash of color.

Circs: Shut up.



Claire Dorngs, Homelambs 

The Evster: Okay, I recognize that this is a nice dress. The frills, the lace, the airflow under her pits giving off a subtle hint of Tom’s of Maine. BUT C’MON CLAIRE. I know what you’re capable of. I’ve seen you get railroaded by Agent Brody. I’ve seen you milking cows in Temple Grandin. So I must ask: WHAT’S UP WITH THE DOUBLE MASTECT? Grade: F minus!

Circs: I see you decided to go with that double mastect joke, Evan, with no regard whatsoever for Angelina Jolie’s feelings.

The Evster: Yeah, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with the double mastect joke, but I did it, and it’s out there, so what can I do? (I mean, I could obviously delete it, but I’m not gonna.) I also sort of feel like Claire used to have bigger titties and got a double mastect just so she could wear this dress.

Circs: Just try not to take her lack of breast tissue as a personal affront. I’m 85% sure she did not have you in mind when she was going (halfway) through puberty. And no, she never had bigger titties. We can do a whole Claire Danes red carpet retrospective, if you like.

The Evster: Pretty sure I saw her titties in Agent Brody’s mouth.

Circs: Pretty sure this is why Jordan Catalano was embarrassed to be seen with her.

Anyway, this dress is definitely pretty and I love how she was basically telling everyone (but really mainly the Evster) that she doesn’t give a fuck that she has no boobs, ‘cause she has a hot (possibly gay) husband and a bunch of Emmys and a kajillion dollars and a pretty dress with sequins.

Oh, but I hate her hair and this color washes her out and Jordan Catalano used to go the same physical therapy gym as me--what a complete freak. Grade: B- (who am I kidding; get some tits Danes)



Sofia Vergaarrarrarrrrra, Modern Fams 

The Evster: FINALLY WE ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE. Actually, you know what? I’m not gonna do it. I’m not gonna write about Sofia’s jingjongs because that’s just too easy. Instead, let’s talk about the lovely contrast of her emerald jewelry against the crimson of her dress OMG THIS IS SO BORING. Grade: Grade A Beef!

Circs: WE GET IT, SOFIA VERGARAREAREARWASA. Fishtail dress, hourglass figure, huge this, tiny that, when does everybody shut up so I can finally punch you in the mug? P.S. I hate your dumb show. Grade: Who cares, I just popped a vein in my forehead.



Xtina Hendricks, Mad Membs 

The Evster: BREAK OUT THE BAZOOKAS, BAZOOKA MOM, ‘CUZ YOU AIN’T NEVER BLOWN UP A DRESS LIKE DAT. This lady is a LEGEND. A living, breathing, bazooka-bombing legend. Also, check out Wilford Brimley behind her -- JUST HAPPY TO BE THERE -- completely ignoring the fact that the woman in front of him is about to blow up the red carp. And then there’s the other guy on the left drinking a diet orange soda? Love it! Grade: BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

Circs: Evster, just when we think you’re going to be predictable, you say exactly what we expect you to say.

I honestly don’t even know what, if anything, Christina is wearing right here. Of course it doesn’t matter. Do you think when she gets dressed for the Emmys she’s like, “Please hand me that drape, because let’s be honest, not even I can think about or pay attention to anything besides--look, do I still have to even talk about this?”

Or maybe she goes to Christian Siriano and picks out something nice that flatters her shape. Grade: ??? Eleven.



Lena Dunns, Girls 

The Evster: Poor Lena Dunns. It doesn’t matter what she wears, people are gonna pick her apart. I mean, that’s a pretty nice dress, too. I’d prefer ladybugs over flowers, but that’s cool, I like the colors. And the eyeliner, I mean, it’s dumb and it’s way too much, but it’s fine, it’s perfectly fine. It really is amazing how many dickheads walk around these award shows with headsets on. There is literally nothing stupider in this world than wearing a headset. By the way, as I am typing this in my cubicle, I am currently wearing thirteen headsets. I could definitely see Lena Dunns having a severe mental breakdown at a very young age. How cute are ladybugs though? Excuse me for a sec I'm getting like nine phone calls. Grade: B-

Circs: I actually love this, love the color, love the eyes, love the look on her face, and am absolutely batshit NUTS about the fact that there are no ladybugs on her dress. I saw this in the audience from sort of a distance at one point and found this green-with-red-speckles blob pleasing to the eye before I even knew what it was. And by the way, I am not referring to Lena herself as a blob and genuinely think she looks great here. The dress just looked like a blob in the audience against all the boring black. NICE BLOB, LENA!! Grade: A


Jon Hamm, My Wife's Favourite Person in the History of the World 

The Evster: Awesome beard. Wife is probably a very, very, very nice and understanding human being. Grade: A

Circs: My feelings about Mr. Hamm are complicated. I both loathe and am attracted to his character of Don Draper more than I am to Hamm the actual mann. I mean, I love facial hair, but look at what a doof he is. Or not? I dunno, he’s all up in my precious comedy world and I’m not sure how I feel about it but it’s fine, whatever, I feel like I’m taking this question entirely too seriously all of a sudden when I should just be writing about getting smoldered by his hairy face. Ugh, he’s fine. His white/off-white coat looks dumb to me but I know absolutely nothing about men’s fashion.

As for his wife, Kissing Jessica Stein remains an awesome movie that I will watch absolutely any time it airs on Starz. Grade: Are beards uncomf? They look uncomf.

The Evster: Meh, not really, but they can be during the summer. Or if they get caught in your headset(s).

Circs: Hey Evster, quick questch: Do you realize that all of these people so far have been white? Should we have a non white person in here somewhere?

The Evster: Were there any black people there last night?

Circs: Kerry Washington.

The Evster: Is she a quarterback?

Circs: Let's just move on.



Heidi Klum, International Television Superstar 

The Evster: This dress is obviously retarded (and yet sort of amazing). The fact that it chokes Heidi out around her neck is super hot. Little known fact: European chicks who like to be choked out are WAY WAY WAY hotter than your average American prude. So bravo, Heidi Klum, bravo. Or should I say, “Bråüvenblürg.” Grade: A

Circs: More like Project Stunw oh who cares. Grade: C



Blossom, Blossom 

The Evster: Well it looks like the Maid of Honor is finally here! lol lol omg lol jk jk omg No but seriously is she on her way to Stacey’s wedding? lol lol WHERE ARE YOUR FLOWERS, BRIDESMAID? lol lol omg Hey Blossom, what table are you sitting at? 'Cuz we’re at Table14! lol lol omg jk HEY PASS THE BREAD AND BUTTER WOULD YA I'M STARVING jk jk lol omg jk ok I’m stopping. Grade: F

Circs: I had an aunt who died while dressed as a bridesmaid and watching Blossom, so this isn’t that funny to me. Grade: F



Sally Drapes, Mad Membs 

The Evster: Geez Louize, this entire time we’ve been writing this, Circs keeps emailing me on the side, saying, “Put in Sally Drapes! Put in Sally Drapes!” so here ya go, Circs, here’s your precious photo of Sally Drapes. She looks nice, with her little flower pasties pasted on her little flower dress. Although she kinda looks like a basket on the front of Mary Poppins’s bicycle. Did Mary Popps even ride a bicycle? If she did, it was probably a stupid one. Sorry, no idea why I got so angry all of a sudds, I actually really like bicycles and think that Mary Popps was supes hot. I just wanna see more titties. Grade: No

Circs: Upon first glance, I thought this was wack as wack can be. But then I sat back, studied it for a few hours, and realized it’s a goddamned work of art. I don’t feel like getting into all of the stuff about how it’s age-appropes, even though it is, because that’s boring. There shouldn’t be a question about it being age-appropes. If you’re underaged, be appropes, guys. It’s that simple. Grade: A+



Anna Gunnnnnnn, Breaking Bads 

The Evster: Man, did you read Anna Gunn’s op-ed in the NYT about the amount of hate that she -- both as a person and also Skyler the character -- gets from being on Breaking Bad? It was very well done and definitely worth reading and makes her even more attractive than she is on the show. (I like to watch her have sex!) But still, her titties could use a little work. Grade: C

Circs: I read the op-ed. It was sorta interesting. Grade: C

The Evster: Yeah, it wasn't that interesting.



This Lady, Lifetime Achievement Award Winner!

The Evster:  Grade: A+++++++++++++++

Circs: I think that by blinding this chick with a flash, the photographer actually saved Zooey Deschanel from being assassinated. Grade: FFFFFFFFFFFFF





If you wanna follow Sara Circs on Twitty Twitty Twang Twang, you can do so @SaraCircle. You can also follow me @TVMWW. Or you could just look at this horse. That's what I'd do. He's a nice horse. 

Also, here's last year's Emmy post for all you TRUE hustlas out there. 

Elvin from The Cosby Show is Straight Killin' It on Dancing With The Stars

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Kinda figured Elvin would have a little bit of chest hair.

In the three years since I started this blog, I have been lucky enough to cover a few absolutely incredible television moments: 

- A guy on the Bach with a freshly tattooed forearm sang an acapella love song to a woman he barely knew on top of a mountain. 

- On Virgin Diaries, two disgusting virgins repeatedly jammed their tongues down each other's throats with seemingly no ability to understand that the television cameras in front of them were going to broadcast this to a national audience.

- Joe Gorga ate spaghetti with a fork.

And now, Elvin from The Cosby Show -- a whopping 21 years after his last television appearance -- is absolutely dominating Dancing With The Stars.

I don't know why I'm so surprised. I mean, Elvin is black (barely) and dancing was always a huge part of The Cosby Show intros, but I guess I just never expected him to return to television period, let alone do so in such a dramatic fashion. Part of his success could be due to the fact that he's paired with total smokebomb, Karina Smirnoff (who I wrote about in 2011 and who could make anyone look good), but that's unfair. The dude is just a really good dancer. And I'm really happy to see him back on TV (and without that total nag Sondra bringing him down). 

I was also super happy to see Captain Dickpants, Keyshawn Johnson, get voted off last night, because that guy suckkkkkkkkssssssssssss. 

I HOPE YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER, ELVIN!
YOU DESERVE IT!


Breaking Bad Finale: Discussing the Issues That No One Else is Talking About

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Not a cloud in the sky!

Well, it was no Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, but the Breaking Bad finale was still epic. There was emotion, suspense, a Princess Leia / Jabba-the-Hut-esque choke-out scene, a Skinny Pete sighting, NICE CINEMATOGRAPHY, a lady wearing those fancy high heeled shoes with the red soles, THE RETURN OF THOSE PANCAKES. Over the next few days, anyone and everyone will give their opinions about the show: some will laud it, others will google the word "laud" to see if I used it correctly, but no one will put the show in the same category as Hangin' With Mr. Coops. Seriously, best show ever?! A former NBA player-turned-substitute-teacher who had to live with TWO female roommates?! ZOINKS ALERT! Plus he had to sleep on the couch in the den! HELLOOOOOO BACK PROBLEMS LOL OMG LOL LOL HE'S TOO TALL TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME okay sorry I'm stopping, I'm stopping.




But after reading a bunch of Breaking Bad recaps yesterday morning, I noticed that there are still a bunch of issues that no one is talking about. I'm not sure why, considering there have been no fewer than four billion recaps written about this show (why do I have a TV blog, again?), but for some reason many critics have chosen to ignore a few obvious plot holes from the final episode.

Folks

That's

Why

You

Come

To

TV

My

Worf

Waptchesz

Dot

Blogspots

Dots

Coms.

For hard hitting journalism! To dive deep into the important issues and tackle the questions that no one,  and I mean no one, is talk-- oh who cares let's just get to it.

These mofos got some seriously white teeth. 

Jesse Pinkman May Be Alive, But He Needs Some Serious, Serious Help

It's great that Walt got Jesse got outta there, free from the Nazis, away from that dungeon and on his way to start a new Third Eye Blind semi-charmed-kinda-life, baby, babyyyyy ... but let's not forget ... DUDE HAS SPENT THE LAST YEAR IN A CAGE.

He is severely, severely, SEVERELY damaged.

I don't know if you've ever spent any time in a cage (I haven't, but my wife has. KIDDING, honey!), but I once had a pet gerbil for like three months and little Hector got SO MANY butt diseases. Also, let's not forget, everyone Jesse's ever known and loved is dead, with some of them getting killed right in front of him. He has no family, no friends and NO MONEY. That's the worst part, the no money thing. I think I'd be all right in this world without friends and family (I have over 700 Twitter followers!), but no money? IMPOSSIBLE. The guy might be happy to be alive, but the Jesse Pinkman we know and love is dead.

When I was in college, I was friends with this dude named Fishnips who was a really good guy. Very funny, very smart, liked by everyone. But one day at a BBQ, someone pants'd Fishnips (and when I say "pants'd", I mean TOTALLY pants'd, like boxer shorts came down and everything) leaving him fully exposed in front of an entire sorority. To this day, thanks to the embarrassment, Fishnips has been unable to hold down a relationship (or a job) and currently lives with his aunt in a one-bedroom apartment outside of Shippensburg, Pennsylvania. It's sad and it's unfortunate, and it should also be mentioned that I may or may not have been the person responsible for pants'ing Fishnips, an act that I totally don't regret, because it was seriously hilarious to see his little dork out there flapping in the breeze.

So Jesse has some major work to do. You may be excited that he's got a car and his freedom and a new lease on life but OMG this dude needs THERAPY and prescription medication and to be interviewed by Barbara Walters. Actually, that'd be a pretty good way to make some easy money. Then he could write a book and possibly get a movie deal and then get the meth lab back up and cookin! Maybe dude will be all right, after all. That's nice for him. Although I kinda feel like he probably crashed his car only moments after busting out of the Nazi's gate.

Two wheels are missing! 

The Two Annoying Rich People Who Used to Work with Walt Just Had to be Jewish, Didn't They?

It was nice that Vince Gilligan killed off the ultimate bad guy Nazis, but did he really have to name the annoying, super-rich folks who used to work with Walt, Elliot and Gretchen SCHWARTZ? I mean, c'mon, Gilligan, c'monnnnnnnn. It was one thing to have Saul Goodman be a wacky, nebbishy, nervous lawyer, but at least he was likable. The Schwartz's remind me of the Griswold's next-door neighbors in Christmas Vacation. "And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?""I don't knowww, Margo." Ugh, we just cannot catch a break. If I were Steven Speilberg or Harvey Weinstein or any other high powered Hollywood exec, I would ban Gilligan from ever working in that town again. I would also own so many pairs of gold socks.





I Can't Be the Only Person Who Wanted to See Todd Bone Lydia

Everyone knows that sociopaths make great lovers (Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Woody Allen in Bananas, Dunston in Dunston Checks In), so why not add one little scene of Todd giving the business to Lydia? Lord knows she needs it, that lady is HIGH STRUNG, and you know she had to be at least a little flattered by Todd's advances. One thing I've learned about women -- and I know, I know, they don't like when you turn to look at their butts when you pass them on the street -- is that they secretly LOVE to know that guys want to have sex with them. It's like one of their main goals in life: How many guys can I get to want to have sex with me? And yeah, I know, I KNOW, Todd's a cold-blooded murderer and who has no feelings whatsoever and is a complete and total whackazoid, but that has to be kinda hot, right ladies?! Are you telling me that if you were to do it all over again, you wouldn't want to have had sex with at least one complete whackazoid during your 20's? Be honest ladies, this isn't Facebook. You can be honest here. You don't have to click "like" just because your friend Rachel went apple picking with her ugly children this weekend. This is a place for HONESTY. This is a SAFE ZONE. Regardless, I think Vince Gilly really dropped the ball here. Coulda had some really nice high-angle Breaking Bad camera shots of Todd's tight, pale hairless butt. You know I'm right. You know I'm right.

In One Stupid Episode, Vince Gilligan Managed to Make Everyone Forget that Walter White is a Total Butt Farmer

Here's the thing: going into last night's episode, most of us wanted to see Walter White ROT IN HIS OWN FILTH. Throughout the show's run, Walt has proven to be one of the biggest dickwads in television history (apologies to Mario Lopez). Even a jerk like Don Drapes has the ability to pull at your heart strings, because he's lovable and sad and lonely and damaged and really, really good looking. But Walter White was just a prick, one of those people who's too smart for his own good and looks down on everyone else in the world for not being as gifted as he is. The only times we ever pulled for him was when he was doing Heisenberg stuff: blowing people's faces off, outsmarting his enemies and making Mr. Wizard-like moves to get outta tight jams. And yet somehow, Vince Gilligan was able to make us forget about all of Walt's negative qualities and spend the last hour and fifteen minutes praying for him to come out on top. Err, not on top, but not on bottom. You know what I mean. To go out on his own terms. To deliver some money to his family. To kill all the baddies. To not die like the pathetic, selfish, butthead that he really was.

That's the thing with these newfangled characters on TV. They're too complex. The protagonists are too well-written, too flawed, too unpredictable. I'm not sure what I think of Walter White. I hate him one second. And then sort of like him / love him / wanna hug him in his tightie whities the next. I miss the old days when television was stupid. I miss watching a show for a meaningless half hour without having to go and read a 5,000-word recap in order to understand it the next day. I miss Hangin' With Mr. Cooper. I miss Holly Robinson Peete and her soft, caramel, buttermilk biscuit skin. I've honestly never even seen that show. I bet it was so dumb. I think I'd love it.

Fuck you, Breaking Bad.

Television was better when it was stupid.

Duck Dynasty is my jam.

I have no idea why I always italicize show titles. Is that even what you're supposed to do? Who cares.




DID YOU KNOW that I write a sports column for The 700 Level every Friday? It's true, and you can find links to all of my columns right here. I also write an Eagles recap with Zoo With Roy every week, too. You can read our most recent Eagles-Broncos jawn here. You can also find pictures of women in a milk bath by simply Googling "women in a milk bath". Look.

The Evster and Zoo With Roy's Collabo Eagles Post on Philly DOT COM

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Iron Hill Brewery has got some dope cheesesteak egg rolls. 

I know!

I can't believe it either!

But Philly.com, yeah, that Philly.com, the online home of the Philadorphlia Inqurierreerrer and Philadorplington Daily News published a post by me and Zoo With Roy about our fondest childhood Eagles memories.

READ THAT JAWN HERE.

One reader already commented, "you guys are a couple of tools" and signed his name as "I keeps it real!"

HE'S NOT WRONG!


TVMWW Breaking Exclusive Bing-Bong News Alert: New Judge Announced on Top Chef!

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Eleanor Roosevelt!

So excited to see what Ellie brings to the Judges Table!



Top Chorfs starts tonight at 10 pm. Tonight is Wednesday. You should check TVMWW more often if you're reading this on Thursday or Friday or some other day that's not Wednesday. Unless you're reading this on the next Wednesday. Then thanks for reading. Also how did you get in the future?

This Week's Top #GoogSearches That Led People to TVMWMWMWMWWW

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And nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, here are this week's top searches that people actually typed into Google which led them to this hellhole of a website.



Also, Cinnamon Toast Crunch MASCOT.

And baklava!





For the record, Aaron Paul's siblings' names are Dickpants, Clamballs and Roger.




Just the one pageview!



Dying to know what the rest of that "do suburbans fit through rails in ca..." was.








Nice job searching eerybody!

The Evster's Guide to Dope TV Shows this #GourdSeason

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If ya don't know, now ya know, Morgannnnnn.

Now that Breaking Bad is over and The Bach doesn't return 'til January, your life is completely meaningless. Sure, you could put the remote down and take up a hobby (possibly join a bowling league? or start a blog?), but let's not be ridiculous. Life's too short to actually do stuff. That's how people die.

I read an article last week about some guy who tried to climb a mountain and got eaten by a wolf. That's just stupid. No human being should ever climb a mountain, because that's where wolves live and wolves eat people. I'm not even talking about werewolves, I'm talking about wolves wolves. Sure, they look super cute, but they eat people's faces off. That's why I stay indoors at all times. Also I'm very fair-skinned and prone to mosquito bites. One day I'm going to die from cancer. So are you. Stay on your couch.

So seeing that you are lost and sad and have no ability to make decisions on your own, I have compiled the definitive TVMWW guide to #GourdSeason television. Follow this schedule over the next few months and you can finally taste the sweet nectar of happiness. Remember: TELEVISION IS FUN AND LIFE IS STUPID. That's a fact. That's just a medical fact. Honestly, thank you so much for reading my blog. I really appreciate it.





Somehow his skinny tie looks so much skinnier than other skinny ties. 

Sunday: Eastbound and Down, Hello Ladies

If you're all caught up on Homeland or Boardwalk Empire, then great, knock yourselves out and watch that stuff, but honestly what is wrong with you? How do you watch so much television? I am a rising internet superstar with a blog dedicated to television and even I can't keep up with more than one actual TV show at any given time. My wife and I started watching Homeland six months ago and are still on the Episode 3. It's a good show, don't get me wrong, and I love watching Clare Danes get ABSOLUTELY DING-DONGED, but there's just too many other shows to watch. Duck Dynasty is on all the time and doesn't require you to pay nearly as close attention. Plus there's this new Duck Dynasty beard ap that lets you paste beards onto pictures of your wife and send them to your entire fantasy football league. You wanna know why I haven't been blogging much lately? It's because of the Duck Dynasty beard ap. Also I've been writing for two other VERY POPULAR Philadelphia sports blogs because literally no one reads this garbage. Except for you, that is. Except for you. And for that, I am truly, truly grateful.

Back to Sunday evenings: a night when you've just finished watching six hours of football and your wife's ready to file for divorce. Come 7:30ish, you gotta give up the remote. You have to. It's a simple part of marriage called "compromise". It's the fucking worst. It's seriously the fucking worst. But it's part of life. And it's okay, because I got you, bro. I GOT YOU.

After watching the "every touchdown from every game" montage on NFL Redzone, do your own thing. Take a shower. Trim your beard. Get yourself together for God's sake you are such a disgusting, lazy slob. This time away from the TV will give your wife some much needed alone time so that she can talk on the phone or watch her own stuff or most importantly START TO MISS YOU. I don't get it either, but leave a woman alone for more than fifteen minutes and they genuinely start to miss their spouse. And my wife hates my guts! That's the amazing part! And yet still, when I go off for a few hours, by the time I come back, she's exchanging Duck Dynasty beard pics with pretty much every dude on the internet ready to snuggle up and watch whatever I want to watch.

HBO's Sundee lineup is unstoppable. Eastbound and Down is amazing. You know that. You have to know that. Stevie Janowski. If you don't know about Stevie, then just go. Just get out of here. I don't want you reading this blog anymore OMG JUST KIDDING PLEASE STAY. I MISS YOU ALREADY. TAKE MY REMOTE AND PLEASE STAY WITH ME. I NEED YOU. I NEEEEEEDDDD YOUUUUUUU.

Hello Ladies is a new show from Stephen Merchant, one half of the Ricky Gervais/Stephen Merchant combo platter (The Office, Extras, Life's Too Short omg if you don't know that than just go! jk again!). The show revolves around the gangly 6'5" Merchant as he runs around LA stumbling and bumbling and trying to date anyone and everyone. It's absolutely brilliant and by far my favourite show TV (besides Shaqtin' a Fool, which I'll get to later).


Get her, Elvin.

Monday: Dancing with the Stars, Monday Night Football, Antiques Roadshow

Please don't roll your eyes, okay? Just don't. It's a good show, it's fun, it's exciting, there's dancing, there's hot chicks, and it's got just the right amount of mandatory commercial breaks that allow you to flip over to Monday Night Football without too much resistance. Plus, it's an opportunity for you and your wife to watch something together and maybe even TALK TO EACH OTHER FOR ONCE. My wife and I bond over DWTS (yeah I used the abbreviashe) all the time. We high-five whenever Bruno jumps out of his seat. (Spoiler alert: it happens all the time. The guy is a total spaz. He literally cannot stay seated.) We also like to rate on a scale of 1 to Teenage Boy just how horny Carrie Anne Inaba seems. Last night she was Wayne from The Wonder Years!

The best dancers so far this season have been Elvin from The Cosby Show (who I've written about) and Elizabeth Berkley, star of the weirdest movie in the history of movies, Showgirls. Have you seen that shit? I saw it recently for the first time and it totally blew my mind. Besides all the tits and vagj (yo, there's so much tits and vagj), there's a dude who punches a chick in the face, a dude who drives a Cadillac through a wall, and I honestly don't remember one thing about that movie other than all the tits and vagj. I'm talking legit vagj, too. Like four of 'em.

Valerie Harper got eliminated last week, which was unfortunate -- not because she was a good dancer, but because she had TERMINAL BRAIN CANCER. I kid you not. Terminal brain cancer. This woman was given three months to live and she decided to go on Dancing with the Stars as her last hurrah. If I was given three months to live, I would climb a mountain, try to pet a wolf and then kill myself.

Also Antiques Roadshow is the most amazing and boring show ever.


Messed up that the black lady's not in this pic. 

Tuesday: Brooklyn Nine Nine, The Mindy Project

Every Tuesday night I play basketball with a bunch of Jewish people. It's not fun, I don't know why I do it, and it's not like we even really play basketball, we just sorta jog up and down the court and complain about how our lungs and going to explode out of our chests. The only part of the game that I actually enjoy is the end, when we all sit around and take off our shoes and share secret snappers with each other. Here's one that I took last week of a chick walking by Reading Terminal Market.

This has to be illegal, right?

When I get home from ball, my wife's always watching The Mindy Project (possibly her favorite show) and it's actually really, really, really funny. The dialogue is super-quick, Mindy's amazing and there's this male nurse named Morgan who could be the funniest character on television. Apparently (and I'm not sure where I heard this, I mighta read it or I mighta made it up), the guy who plays Morgan was initially hired as a writer on the show, but was so hilarious in the writers' room that they decided to develop a character for him. Once again, no idea if that's true, but pretty sure I heard that somewhere. Professional blogger, ladies and gentleman. Internet celebrity. Thanks for reading.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine is Andy Samberg's new jawn where he plays an idiot cop and I've only seen one episode of it, but it was really funny and also stars Joe Lo Truglio (from The State) and Chelsea Peretti (from Twitter) and some other lady who's really funny, so watch it. Or don't. I don't really care. Thanks for reading though, TVMWW is literally all I care about in this world. I want to quit my job and dedicate myself to this blog. I really do. That last sentence probably made my wife furious.


Hey.

Wednesday: Duck Dynasty, Top Chef

So turns out Duck Dynes is actually on Wednesdays at 10, but that happens to be the same time as Top Chef (possibly my wife's favorite). Luckily, there's reruns of DD on at 9:00 and 9:30 (and pretty much every other hour of the day), so you can watch that isht before Top Chef or literally any other time you're sitting on a couch, ever.

There's always one dude on Top Chef who has a really terrible haircut. This year it's a guy named Michael, a local New Orleans dicknose who is absolutely insufferable. Actually, most chefs are insufferable, aren't they? The only people I ever like on this show are the foreign ones who speak in broken english and have adorable mannerisms and ridiculously violent tempers. Honestly, chefs are retarded. This is a really good show though. Check out how horrible this guy's haircut is.

C'mon, manimal!

And how 'bout another secret snapper? I took this one of a lady sitting next to me on the train the other day.

It's hot because it leaves a lot to the imaginashe!

Back to televisionnnnnnnnnnn ...


I cannot handle these two.
CANNOT HANDLE THEM.

Thursday: Parks and Rec, Thursday Night Football

Parks and Rec is the best show on TV, right? Has to be. Of the top ten funniest characters on television, six or seven of them are from Parks and Rec. Let's break it down.

10. Pat Sajak, Wheel of Forch
9. Swarovski Crystal girls, Saturday Night Live
8. Ron Swanson, Parks and Rec
7. April, Parks and Rec
(tie) Lesley, Parks and Rec
(tie) Jean Ralphio's sister, Parks and Rec
6. Shaquille O'Neal, Inside the NBA
5. Charles Barkley, Inside the NBA
(tie) The Black Lady, Parks and Rec
(tie) The Black Lady, The Mindy Project 
Evster's note: The reason for all the ties is because I keep having to go back and add people I forgot when I orginally made the list. I shoulda just done a top 15. Oh well. 
4. Andy, Parks and Rec
(tie) Mindy, The Mindy Project 
Evster's note: Wow! I really like The Mindy Proj!
3. Jean Ralphio, Parks and Rec 
(tie) Morgan, The Mindy Project
2. Stevie Janowski, Eastbound and Down 
1. Si, Duck Dynasty

That's pretty good representation from Parks and Rec. That's like Barcelona's influence on the Spanish national side. Ugh, who cares. Just shut up, Ev. Let's move on.


Love this guy.

Friday: Shark Tank

I've never understood why people like going out on Fridays. I guess Happy Hour is okay, and I like eating cheeseburgers, but by the time Shark Tank rolls around, I want to be on my couch, in my sweatpants, spreading goat cheese and fig jam all over my chest. Shark Tank is the ONLY show worth watching on Friday nights and boucheron is my JAM. (Not literally. Fig jam is my actual jam).

I like the haggling they do once a shark makes an offer. Last week there was some black dude who invented this stupid dish for heating up Ramen and is sure to make a billion dollars, but Mr. Wonderful was trying to rip him off with one of those "Lemme get 50 cents in perpetuity" deals that are totally bonkers. Any time you have an opportunity to get something in perpetuity, go for it. I can't imagine there will ever come a time where you have that option, but if you do, trust me, go for it. Anyway, so last week Mr. Wonderful was trying to rip this dude off, but the dude was BUSINESS SAVVY and understood that Mr. Wonderful was being a jerk, so then Mark Cubes (who is unbelievable by the way, UNBELIEVABLE) decided to make him an offer solely because he respected how the dude was negotiating and then the two of them struck a deal and shared a really nice hug and it honestly made me really, really happy for him. I can't imagine that this is even close to interesting for any of you who don't watch the show, but if you do, OH BABY IF YOU DO, how happy were you for that guy?!





DVR: The Eric Andre Show, Shaqtin' a Fool, Key and Peele

I have absolutely no idea when these shows come on, but I implore you to search your DVR and set them jawns to record the entire series. The Eric Andre Show is an absurd talk show on Adult Swim (and only airs in 15-minute eps) and is absolutely fantastic. It's probably my favorite show ever. Shaqtin' a Fool (also my favorite) is on NBATV and just consists of Shaquille O'Neal and Dennis Scott sitting around watching bloopers and making fun of JeVale McGee. Key and Peele is a sketch show on Comedy Centch and is my wife's favorite show in the history of television.


Dog and dog.

Netflix: Derek

Ricky Gervais' new jawn is fantastic. I haven't actually seen it yet, but there's no way I don't love it. Have I told you that I get paid to write for The 700 Level? Is that unbelievable?


Nope. Too cute. 

Animal Shows: Too Cute: Kittens, Dogs 101, honestly any show with tigers or polar bears or anything fuzzy really, doesn't matter

Honestly, Too Cute: Kittens is too cute. I can't handle it. Dogs 101 on the other hand is the perfect show for a person who loves dogs and plans on getting one, but is too scared to actually get one / do anything.

All right, enough of this reading stuff.

Let's watch TV.





The video above is hilarious. It's a Tom Green-esque / Borat'ish video made by this dude Kyle Mooney (who is now on SNL) after going to the Lakers championship parade a few years ago. Kyle also has a bit role on Hello Ladies and is going to be a super-duperstar and I love him so watch it okay bye bye bye thanks for reading seriously I love you guys.

DWTS: Mario Lopez Reunited with Whatsherface Last Night and I Almost Barfed My Brains Out

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I'm teaching myself to use photoshop!

Whaddya think?

Instead of the gun guy I was gonna put a guy barfing, but it looked too gross.

TV MY WIFE WATCHES EERYBODY!



The Evster's Top 7 Things About Going Apple Picking

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Kinky.

On warm, brisk Saturday afternoons -- wait, can an afternoon be both warm and brisk? It sorta can, right? I mean, sunny and brisk. It can definitely be sunny and brisk. Or sunny with a chill in the air. That's all I meant. You know what I meant. I was just trying to describe one of those slightly chilly, yet sunny and amazing fall afternoons where you put on your favorite hoodie and grab a cup of coff and WHY AM I STILL EXPLAINING MYSELF? On days like that there are a few acceptable ways for a person to spend his or her fall afternoon:

1. Rake leaves and throw your back out
2. Kill yourself
3. Go apple picking

If you're a white person, then I'm guessing that you're already quite familiar with apple picking and everything that goes along with it, so you can skip the next paragraph.

If you're a person of color, THANK YOU FOR READING. I long for your people's acceptance and companionship. Back in the day, I used to play basketball and smoke blunts and watch pay-per-view boxing matches with you, but now as an aging, married white person, my life consists of nothing but going to dinner parties and lying on my blog about going to dinner parties. So "what the hell is apple picking" you may ask. Well, basically, there are a bunch of orchards all over the country that open up their farms during the autumn months and let you pick fresh apples right off their trees. It's not really that exciting, but it's a fine way to spend a day out in the country, away from your stupid neighbors and their annoying children who think it's cute to write "Princess Evan's Parking Spot" in your driveway when you've told them time and time again that you are not a princess! If you're not a big fan of apples or don't know anyone who will bake an apple pie for you, I can see how this wouldn't sound too exciting, but there are actually many things about apple picking that make it a worthwhile fall activity.

Behold, the top 7:

1. Apple Cider Donuts

Last week, I secretly bought six creme-filled donuts from some Amish lady at a farmers' market and was scared to bring them home for fear that my wife would divorce me. In this day and age, it is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE to purchase, eat, or simply bring that many donuts inside your house. Instead, I kept them under my desk at work for secret snacking. But after we went apple picking, my wife was totally fine with me buying EIGHTEEN apple cider donuts. For some reason, apple cider donuts are a totally acceptable form of donut. No idea why. Maybe it's because it simply has the word apple in it? Or because it's made on a farm? Either way, this is something that you NEED to take advantage of. Also, have you noticed that Amish people totally have cellphones these days? How is this possible? I thought they were anti-electricity. Can someone please explain this to me? (Rhetorical questch. Don't bother explaining it to me because I'm not going to pay attention.)

#JustThe18

2. Road Trip!

Roll down the windows, smell the sweet country air and get ready to see some cows! Apple orchards are always located near cows. I saw like 12 cows last weekend which was way more cows that I'd seen in a long time. When's the last time you saw 12 cows? EXACTLY.

3. You Get to Climb Ladders

At most orchards -- at least the dope ones -- there are a bunch of ladders sprinkled around the farm so you can climb up and reach the apples at the very tops of trees. Now normally I am against climbing, or any activity that involves having to do anything, but it is exhilarating to climb up a wooden death trap in order to rip fruit from a tree. Also, great angles of women's boobs from up there. I saw one Peruvian lady who HAD TO BE a milkmaid. Had to be.

Speaking of milkmaids.

4. Eat Stuff While You Do Stuff

It's incredible, at orchards they let you just rip the apples off the tree and then sample them right then and there. No stigma attached like trying an olive at the supermarket. No nervousness like at the salad bar when someone might see you eat a cherry tomato without weighing your salad first. Just rip it off, shove it in your mouth, and taste the deliciousness of nature. Or throw your apple at a snotnosed kid. Which brings us to ...

5. Great Form of Contraception

There are so many little shitheads named Brayden and Blockton and Thayer running around these farms in their stupid soccer uniforms and shinguards that it'll make you thank the lord that you can't get your wife pregnant. I saw one kid who was just running around BLASTING the trees and causing all the apples to fall on the ground. His dad was just walking behind him, totally defeated, saying, "Thayben. Thayyyyyyben. Don't blast stuff. What did we tell you about blasting stuff?" and the kid just kept blasting everything in his path. Later I saw him crying because his dad wouldn't let him play on his iPad which made me happier than I've ever been in my whole entire life. Also his iPad cover had a picture of Spiderman on it which we all know is a telltale sign that one day he's going to work in a nail salon.

I will buy anything in a mason jar. 

6. Apple Cider Like a Muhhgggg

When you're all done picking, make sure to stop at the farm store and grab the biggest fucking jug of apple cider you can find. In fact, grab like 12 of them, because in just a few days you're gonna wish you bought more. That stuff is friggin' dynamite and way better than that Ziegler's shit you get at the supermarket (no disrespect to Ziggy Ziegler who I'm sure is a fine man with a giant cock, but fresh apple cider right from the farmer's tit is unstoppable).

Also make sure to pick up a bunch of little apple butters and jams and jellies that come in those cute little jars, that you'll never use, but will be super excited to have. I also bought a wooden spoon with a bunny on it, because I like bunnies (and frankly needed a wooden spoon).

7. It Beats an Afternoon at the Pottery Barn

Yo fuck that place.





***SPECIAL BONUS SECTION FOR ALL MY TRUE HUSTLAS OUT THERE***

Philadelphia folks, here is an Evster-approved itinerary for the ultimate apple picking excursion:

Go apple picking here: 
Solebury Orchards
3325 Creamery Rd
New Hope, PA 18938

Not too big and commercial like some of the other shit shows around (I'm lookin' at you, Linvilla). A perfectly nice spot with good apples, good donuts and wooden bunny spoons.

Grab sandwiches at:
Lumberville General Store
3741 River Road
Lumberville, PA 18933

A throwback joint with dope sandwiches and Jamaican Jerk potato chips. Eat outside on a bench and have the neighbor's dog come lick your feet. Also they have a post office IN THE STORE so you can buy stamps or send a post card to everyone you know telling them you're better than them because you know out-of-the-way places that make dope sandwiches.

Take a stroll by the river and make your wife happy by stopping at:
Two Buttons
62 Trenton Ave
Frenchtown, NJ 08825

Just across the Delaware Riv is an arts and crafts / antique type store (GOTTA KEEP THE WOMAN HAPPY, KNAAMEAN?) owned by that lady who wrote Eat. Pray. Love. Apparently she travels around the world collecting interesting shit and then brings it to her warehouse to sell. They also offer free fresh popped popcorn to eat when walking around the store, which is nice (and they also have perfectly nice bathrooms).

Get a burger (or two) at:
Moo
4010 Durham Rd
Ottsville, PA 18942

THIS IS MY SPOT. It's an organic, locally-killed burger joint owned by a 20-year-old dude who has done way more in his life than you'll ever do. Great burgs, dope fries, fresh ingredients, the ill nana.

Enjoy ice cream right from a cow's butt:
OwowCow Creamery
4105 Durham Rd
Ottsville, PA 18942

Right up the street from Moo is the OwowCow Creamery and some of the best ice cream I've ever had. Apparently it's owned by some old-ass dude from New York who moved here because he fucking loves ice cream. (Also, I'm currrently on steroids which might explain why I was able to eat so much last Saturday.)

YO THIS IS A GOOD ITINERARY.

Good night.
Twittaaaaaaaaaa: @TVMWW

Bachelor Photo Exclusive: Juan Pablo Dips and Doinks in Turks & Cakes!!!

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Bold move to go with a Koy Detmer neck beard. 

*** TVMWWWWMWWMWMWMWM EXCLUSIVE ***

Through ways I am not willing to discuss on this here website, your favorite blogger was able to obtain exclusive pictures of future Bach, Juan Pablo, taken during his recent trip to Turks and Caicos.

Even though I cannot reveal my sources, I can state for the record that these pictures are very real and very exclusive. I can also state for the record that as of 30 seconds ago I thought Turks and Caicos was one word, spelled "Turksenkaikos."



Here's Juan Pabber relaxing in his hotel room with an unidentified acquaintance. Now while Juan Pabs' contract does not stipulate that he remain single before the filming of the show, one has to question his commitment to the entire Bachelor process. As of the publishing of this article, Juan Pabs could not be reached for comment. Also I did not attempt to reach Juan Pabs for comment.




Later that morning, Juan Pabs took his adorable little nips for a dip in the pool. Look how round they are. Like two perfectly sliced jalapeños.




At night, the future Bach hit the clubs with his homies while making the bold choice to tuck his shirt in despite not wearing a belt. In case you're counting at home, the picture above includes three hoodies, two jean jackets and one horse.




"He was really, really nice," said the woman on the left who clearly loves doing cocaine. "His friend was a little aggressive, but also really nice. I fucked them both."




This is a website that you actually visit.

Look At This Asshole's Halloween Costume

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Click on da photo to make it biggerrrrrrr.

So this dude I work with, RJ, showed up to our company Halloween party dressed as my blog.

Even though it was clearly an amazing costume, no one knew what to make of it. The most commonly overheard conversation of the evening was, "What are you, RJ? A computer?" ... "Well yeah, but I'm also Evan's blog." ... "Cool. [pause] Evan has a blog?" ... [face palm]

If you look closely at the costume, there is actually a cut out on the righthand side that says, "Live Twitter Feed" and RJ had his phone taped to the other side, cued up to my Twitter page.


He also typed "dudes asses" into the Google search bar.


RJ is 27 years old.

Are Youze Guyz Aware That You Can Find my Shit on Other Sites?

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Logo-rama!

A friend of mine told me this week I was "really slacking" on the ole TV Me Wurf Welpchez and I was like, "I'VE BEEN BUSY BLOGGING ON OTHER BLOGS," and she was like, "Really?" and I was like, "YEAH," and she was like, "What blogs?" and I was like, "UGH, DO YOU REALLY NOT KNOW?" and she was like, "No," and I was like, "YOU GOTTA GET ON TWITTER," and she was like, "I'm not getting on Twitter," and I was like, "C'MON MAN," and she was like, "So what blogs?" and I was like, "THE 700 LEVEL AND ZOO WITH ROY," and she was like, "What?" and I was like, "THEY'RE PHILADELPHIA SPRORTS BROGS" and she was like, "Oh," and I was like, "YOU GOTTA CHECK 'EM OUT," and she was like, "Yeah, I'm not gonna check 'em out," and I was like, "THEN WHY DID YOU ASK?" and she was like, "Why are you shouting?" and I was like, "THAT'S KINDA MY THING," and she was like, "Well it's friggin' annoying," and I was like, "I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT," and she was like, "Well can you stop?" and I was like, "Sure," and she was like, "Thank you," and I was like, "You're welcs," and then we went and got bagels.

So just so we're all on the same page here, along with TVMWW, I also write a weekly sports column for The 700 Level (that comes out every Friday). You can find links to all of my articles here.

I also collaborate on Eagles Report Cards with Zoo With Roy (and some other people) every Monday after Eagles games. You can read all of this season's Report Cards here. Also, yesterday Zoo With Roy and I wrote this jawn ranking the best athletes in Philadelphia sports history named Armen.

If you've been keeping track of all of my blogging endeavors, thank you. And if you haven't, following me on Twitski is by far the best way to stay up to date on all things TVMWMWMWMWMW. So follow me here. Also, if you want to pay me to blog on your blog (or pay me to do anything) I will seriously do whatever you want for a very small amount of American currency. Thank you and have a blessed day.

TVMWW.R.E.A.M.






The Top 5 Things Worth Discussing About the Miss Universe Pageant

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Look at Miss Universe grabbin' her titty! 

Pretty much the same thing happens every year during the Miss Universe pagj: a bunch of skinny chicks walk around showing off their super white teeth while I feverishly scan orbitz.com for the cheapest flights to Bulgaria. My favorite ladies are always from the cocaine-laden countries: Bolivia, Colombia, Nicaragua, as well as any woman (or cow) representing the glorious nation of Kazakhstan. This year, Miss Venezuela won the crown even though her breasts weren't nearly as big as Miss Brazil's. Still, it was an extremely enjoyable event to watch, mostly because I did so while hopped-up on narcotics.

Here's some other stuff worth discussing:

The Super Good-looking Male Host was a Total Bozo

That's a Spice Girl on the right by the way.
For reals. 

I didn't catch the fella's name -- Todd, or Michael, or Glarv or something -- but after introducing the opening act, Glarv gave a special shout out to the people of the Phillipines who were devastated by Typhoon Haiyan:

"Before we start, I'd just like to dedicate the show to our good friends in the Philippines as they're currently experiencing some really terrible weather."

Really terrible weather. Really terrible weather! This nimrod actually said -- ON NATIONAL TELEVISION -- that they were experiencing "some really terrible weather."

Now let's send it over to our Filipino weatherman, Chieko Pagiou, for the five-day forecast. Chieko?

"Thanks, Chip. Some really terrible weather coming through this weekend, winds coming in from the Southeast at 4 billion miles per hour. Look for some houses to be obliterated and maybe even our entire country to be wiped off the map. Tomorrow, more of the same, with bodies piling up and people freaking the fuck out. By Monday and Tuesday we can expect some rays of sunshine though, which should help us find some of the missing children. Wednesday and Thursday should be back to a miserable shit show, with a light rain and everyone in the Western Hemisphere forgetting about us. Back to you, Chip."

"Prolly shouldn't take the boat out then, ey Chieko?"

"Not unless you want to help us find floating bodies."

"Hahahahaha. No way. Not me. Never. Never. Now let's send it over to Jennifer Villagas for her investigative report on Imelda Marcos and her freshly shaved butt. Jennifer?"

"Thanks, Chip ..."

Apparently There is a Country Called "Mauritius"?

It's true. Mauritius is an island nation located in the Indian Ocean, about 1,200 miles off the coast of Africa. It's also the (former) home of the Dodo bird. Don't ever say TVMWW never taught you nothin!

Miss Israel was Black, Miss Jamaica was White and Miss Sri Lanka was named "Amanda"


I don't know what the fuck is going on in this world.

Check Out This Judge, Russian Pop Star Philip Kirkorov

What the fox say?!

This guy is unbelievable. According to Wikipeeds, Philip is a total lunatic who has had numerous brushes with the law and really, seriously combs his hair like that. Here is my favorite nugget of information that I found out about him:

On December 4, 2010, Kirkorov allegedly slapped a female assistant because he was unhappy with the lighting at a concert venue. The woman, later identified as Marina Yablokova, threatened to sue Kirkorov. As a result, Kirkorov fled to Israel and had himself entered into a psychiatric hospital. On December 7, 2010, the singer publicly admitted that he had psychological problems.

Unfortunately, Philip was mostly silent during the pageant, but did get to ask Miss Ecuador a question during the final round. He asked her, "Do you think this world be able to survive without the internet?"

Instead of being like, "Yeah, dude, are you fucking kidding me? We survived for like 50,000 years without the internet. It's not like it's fucking food or water," Miss Ecuador spewed some bullshit like, "Computers unfortunately take away from valuable family time and should only be used for positive influence." After that, I eliminated Miss Ecuador from my top 5 (and then realized that none of the other contestants' tits even came close to hers, so I put her back in the mix).

Miss Philippines Totally Shoulda Won (and I'm Not Just Saying that Because Her Country is Currently Filled with Floating Dead People)


Her hair was really, really, really clean. And while her boobs weren't nearly as big as Miss Ecuador's, I genuinely liked her and thought she was beautiful.

Also beautiful?

Real person!






Yo, last week marked the 20th anniversary of Wu Tang's debut album, Enter the Wu Tang (36 Chambers). Here's an interview of RZA courtesy of Grantland where he talks about their new album and how he's having a hard time getting Raekwon and the GZA to commit time and energy to the project. Also, here's a cool oral history from Spin magazine about what it was like to put the first album together. Also also, here's a link to the dumbest Twitter account in the history of Twitter and one that you should absolutely be following, no ifs, ands or butts.

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